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Bartley Kulp

Does anybody have a suggestion as to an antedote to heartbreak?

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Hi all, after practicing for who knows 3 years or so I have dealt with all sorts of emotions. There is one mother- @!%$&* that keeps on reassurting itself. It drains my energy. Sometimes I am not even aware that it is in the background. I have at times successfully assuaged it through compassion practice etc.. Also letting it in. Sometimes just ignoring it as I go about my business. For awhile I was actually at peace with it until I met somebody. Long story.

As a result I have been kicked off of my mountain. @&^%$#%!!! Thanks alot!! LOL!! I am also slightly bipolar which perhaps does not help matters. Perhaps it is an expression of it. I do not know. I do have a back story that would explain why I am vulnerable to this however writing about it would take forever. Could there be a practicle solution perhaps? Like I don't know, working on developing it's opposite whatever that is. Any takers on this? I would be much appreciative.

Bartley Kulp
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  1. Leon Roijen's Avatar
    Hello Bartley,

    I have no advice to offer you, as I have found heartbreaks always devastating, too, -and actually who doesn't?- but I would like to wish you strength and courage to get through this. It might be a cliché and it might not help you much right now, but it is true quite often: Time heals all wounds. Or in Buddhist terms: Impermanence is one of the three characteristics of existence. Good things will not last forever, and neither will bad things (for you, your heartbreak at this moment) .
    -with metta, Leon
  2. Bartley Kulp's Avatar
    Thank you for the kind words Leon.
  3. Dheerayupa Sukonthapanthu's Avatar
    Hi there,

    I listened to Ajahn Brahm's talks on how to deal with loss, grief, anger, disappointment, etc. After I felt less devastated (which could be a year later), I started listening to talks on love and relationships. 'What is love' is a very good talk for this stage. After my attitude was shaped to be accepting and forgiving, I started to listen to more general topics. The whole process took a few years, but I am happy with the result.

    The length of time might sound discouraging to some, but to me, curing the disease at the root cause is better than just dealing with the symptoms.

    And I would say that it is the best time of my life.

    Warmest metta,
    Dheerayupa
  4. Bartley Kulp's Avatar
    Thank you for responding I have been trying to deal with the root cause for years. It's might be something that I have to put up something that I have to put up with. until May be karma runs its course. When I try to figure myself out I get into trouble. Any rate I listened to a couple of Ajan Brahms talks as you suggested. I"ll keep listening and see what happens.
    .
  5. Mara Pacers's Avatar
    Hi Bartley

    I sent you a Personal Message

    with Metta
  6. Jerrod Lopes's Avatar
    Hi Bartley,

    My experience is a little different. Most times I suffered heartache for a lost love I hadn't realized that the love was a love for self, not the other person. I was so attached to the self I had created that included that relationship that when the relationship ended, I couldn't imagine a new self fast enough to avoid so much suffering. As I have grown the ability to not be attached to the idea of self and have been much more flexible and adjustable, these problems have decreased significantly. With all sorts of relationships that and like work relationships, I have had very little problems moving on. What I am hoping you take away from this is that maybe the love you think you had wasn't really love at all. That is if you were anything like I was. Good luck be well
  7. Leon Roijen's Avatar
    Thanks for sharing that insight, Jerrod! Obviously also a lot of craving is involved with relationships, both when you are in and out of one.
  8. Bartley Kulp's Avatar
    [QUOTE=Jerrod Lopes;bt1108]Hi Bartley,

    My experience is a little different. Most times I suffered heartache for a lost love I hadn't realized that the love was a love for self, not the other person. I was so attached to the self I had created that included that relationship that when the relationship ended, I couldn't imagine a new self fast enough to avoid so much suffering. As I have grown the ability to not be attached to the idea of self and have been much more flexible and adjustable, these problems have decreased significantly. With all sorts of relationships that and like work relationships, I have had very little problems moving on. What I am hoping you take away from this is that maybe the love you think you had wasn't really love at all. That is if you were anything like I was. Good luck be well[/QUOTE]

    Thank you for responding Jerrod and for that insight. Actually my problem is a bit differant. Of course it it always about the self. However the problem for the past few years is chronic and it does not depend on a specific relationship or ending there of. However the prospects of a relationship makes it worse. My problem goes way back you could say to my childhood. Somebody sent me a message and gave me an interesting insight on reframing the issue. I am going to try that and see what comes out of it. Again, thank you and everyone else for responding.
  9. Mary Dumka's Avatar
    Hi Bartley, The most effective method the Buddha gave to us, to deal with thoughts that lead to suffering, is substitution.....which you've been doing....compassion. But, if in the moment the thoughts seem too strong to do substitution, then I have found that hard physical activity is a way to distract the mind so at least you are not watering the seed of the thought you want to let go. So, run up and down some stairs or do push ups or run around the block while focusing on every footstep or arm push as well as being aware of whether you are breathing in or out. It's helpful to count how many footsteps per in breath and how many on each outbreath. The amount doesn't matter. What is important is you are giving your mind 2 things to focus on....breath and footsteps, so that will totally distract it from the thought. As you tire,you can slow down physically and mentally until you can carry out the teaching of the Buddha. Metta, Mary Dumka
  10. Kanchana Boralessa's Avatar
    Hi Bartley,

    my two cents worth in three things
    1. Swimming 30, 40 or 60 laps everyday
    2. Listening to talks by Ajahn Brahm every morning as you wake up, when you can't sleep and at night before falling asleep and while commuting - tip select more relevant topics first like 'when life falls apart' or 'confusion' or 'learn to be at peace with yourself' etc you'll know what to pick
    3. Breath in and out slowly 10 times x 3 times each day or as many times as you need it

    Good things take time so it will take time (years not days, weeks, months) so keep going and don't stop

    much metta
    kanchana
  11. Mara Pacers's Avatar
    Hi Bartley and others,
    I recently came across this short teaching on attachment and love. It is from Ven Robina Courtin, a Tibetan Buddhist Nun, it is very short, and is beautifully straight forward. You can find it here http://www.robinacourtin.com/transcr...attachment.pdf

    You can apply this in daily life and also to other issues. When ever one feels the negative or unwholesome states of attachment arising, with the right awareness they can be used as a signal or trigger to have a better look at what is going on. Similarly whenever one feels the positive states of compassion and unconditional love arising one can do the same.

    This is a method I use all the time. I find it is a way to actively transform the unwholesome into the wholesome and begin new habits of skillful reaction to external and internal conditions. This is very similar to cognitive behavioral therapy - but as related to the Dhamma.

    With Metta

    Mara