Lee-Ane Keegan

It's been a month since I last wrote. I had been going along wonderfully, no bouts of compulsive over eating, no dramas in my life, only increasing joy and happiness. Being fully aware that 'this too would pass' I still began to let my practice of mindfulness slip, quite a lot. I didn't need it 'cause all was well.

Then a drama struck. Not my own - a friend's.
In the longer past I would have been quite overwhelmed by their problem and been out trying to fight it for them. I found that people gravitated to me to tell me their problems and I couldn't understand why. It always made me feel terrible and exhausted. It's not like they were family or even close friends!
Some time back I realised I was a drama queen with actual horrible dramas happening to me. I made a decision to change and eventually my dramas ended and I learned how to avoid them. I guess the propensity is still there because I still attract it.

This relatively ordinary drama hit me like a brick. The tension, anger and frustration I felt made me physically ill. I had to leave work after spitting venom to a person I felt was responsible for my friends predicament.
I spent a day and a half tied up in knots, crying at times and completely confused and compulsively eating. This was absolute over kill.
After several days contemplation, forgiving myself, meditating and researching I have come to the conclusion that my 'ego' is having major retribution at me for trying to get rid of it. Now I feel peaceful knowing the worst 'alien' is my own
ego/subconscious and that I have a weapon against it that I have already proved works.
Being mindful is not easy in the long term. I realise now that it is a skill, not just to be learned, but to be practiced constantly. It takes time to be technically good at something and even longer to achieve a level where it becomes instinctive.

I'm working to rid myself of this 'alien'.
If the 'alien' isn't who I really am, then what is it?
If it's my ego/subconscious then it's part of my body/form.
If it's part of my form then my form is meaningless to me, because I don't have interest in it any more.I realise it is false - like the 'alien'.
Then what am "I".
I have no answer to that.
YET