how to construct emotional barriers ?

[Kindu Weerasinghe]

hello

I have a hard time dealing with the losses / tragedies / sadness (well anything that hurts really..) of very close friends and family. I listen, but I pick up on their vibes, stress, and despair, and most times, I dont know how to pull myself out of it again.. I have tried rationalizing and telling myself its not my problem. but on a feeling level the rationalising doesnt seem to work. It is the hardest when its people im very attached to and when i realise there is nothing i can do but be with them in their hard times . Does anyone know how to ease the heavy feelings cos they are getting to me baaaaad.

much thanks

[Andria Armstrong]

Hello,
Thank you for sharing here. Wishing you all the best with your situation.

From my perspective it sounds like you may be experiencing a lot of "empathy burnout."

In my life, when I am expecting a situation to arise that is going to involve a lot of emotion and maybe my own personal feelings as well, I like to feel through my feelings surrounding the situation with myself first. Once I have processed my feelings in private, which can often include crying and comforting myself, I often need time to myself or with close friends in a calm environment. Sometimes I need to share something with a person who isn't as emotionally involved in the situation, but who can still respect, love, and compassionately listen to me as I share.

Once I'm feeling better, I may or may not feel ready to interact a little bit with people who are involved in a situation. Grieving processes can be very draining and sensitive times. I personally find that it helps to interact with people who are able to grieve and process their feelings in healthy ways. People can be in very different places emotionally and mentally, so it helps to be sensitive to that and to be aware of the beautiful truth of change.

It's ok to feel the way you feel. It's ok to take space and time to yourself. It's ok to grieve with others. Be gentle, be kind. Hope you will feel better soon.

Much Love,
♥Andria

[Jerrod Lopes]

Kindu,

What I tend to do is look at the kamma that bore the situation. That is I see how it came to be this way, and the steps that person took to be here. Upon seeing this, there is no longer any surprise or feelings of "this shouldn't be happening" because we then see that in fact, it can really be the only thing happening. This may sound very cold, and probably is. However I find that trying to be rational about something as irrational as emotion is a waste of time. Either we choose to be emotional or we choose to be analytical. It often is possible that emotion is born out of the ego/self in such ways as "I can't help that person because I don't know what to do", "I'm not good enough to be of use" and so forth. When we see that we have turned their problems selfishly into our problems, we can then laugh at ourselves and let go of that. See how much we love suffering that our own isn't enough, so we must grab onto others' suffering as well. Empathy is part and parcel to compassion. But don't make someone else's suffering yours.

Metta,

Jerrod

[Kindu Weerasinghe]

thankyou muchly to both of you for taking the time to reply.

Andria - your words have a feeling of softness around them. I like the calmness your message gives me. Yes, i need to process my feelings and have some time for myself to just accept what's going on within me .

Jerrod - I agree with your point on not making others suffering your own but I am not sure if I can choose to be analytical over emotions - maybe i havent reached that level of distinction in my awareness. They go hand in hand for me

Thankyou again!